Monday, February 18, 2008

Don't you LOVE the Irish?

Into  a Belfast  pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by  a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'
What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'  Jamie  O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'
That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand.'
'
That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'
Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?'
'That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'


*************************************************************
An  Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car's weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'
So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'
'
Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'
Well,'  says the cop, 'it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening.'
'
I did all right,' the drunk says with a  smile.
'
Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms across his chest,
'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
 
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'


************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks 'I've  somethin' to tell ya'.
'
Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?'
'
That's  what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'
Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'  
'  I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'  
'
It was terrible, Brenda.
He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'

'
Oh dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, 
Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

*************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady
after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '


*********************************************************************************************************  

AND
 THE  BEST  FOR  LAST  
A
drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The  Priest coughs a few times
to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The  drunk mumbles,
'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!


----------------
Now playing: Ramblin' Jack Elliott - Pretty Boy Floyd
via FoxyTunes   

9 comments:

robinngabster said...

I do love the Irish and I get to be one all year long!  I be born a Murphy!

madcobug said...

Ha ha ha those were cute. Thanks for sharing those laughs. Helen

geocachelinda66 said...

Very funny!  Linda

loisontheweb said...

  I COPIED THE JOKES; might add them to my entry for St. Urho's Day. (The Finns up here do that a day BEFORE St. Patrick's Day ... so they have an extra day to drink!
LOIS (I left a beetle/mice comment below)

marainey1 said...

I do love their humor.  It seem like even though or maybe because of the hard times they had they could olways find something to smile about.  'On Ya' - ma

mutualaide said...

Added a nice chuckle to my morning routine!

breakaway1968 said...

Ohh too funny!

siennastarr said...

Being an of strong Irish descent... I had to smile at all of these!  Gotta love the Irish.....lol

Jackie

helmswondermom said...

I love them!
Lori