Subject:
Thanks
I just want to thank all of you for your
educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no
longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I
can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't
enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon
peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including
feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking
your nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one
spot)
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the
years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it
on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special
thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs
sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave
it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail
program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use
cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a
hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can
buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial
killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas..
I no
longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no
longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return
on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages
from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I
no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the
phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get
a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda & Singapore and
Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use
anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking
under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no
longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
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9 comments:
I do, I read my email with my hand on the mouse. Too funny. 'On Ya' - ma
I must say this is really a classic,,, one I really did Laugh Out Loud over.. thanks...
this was great lol
Always been one of my favs. LOL
Have a good wkend.
Sugar
This sounds like most of those forward emails. I do keep my hand on my mouse while reading emails. Just think how any of us will end up tendinitis (spelling?) or carpel tunnel in our wrists because of that little old mouse hee hee. Helen
LOL...I read my e-mails too with my hand on the mouse!!! LOL
Hollie
I also keep my hand on my mouse Donna this is the best i have ever read. LOL thanks so much. JO
Of course she is your cousin too! (I don't have a regular mouse, I have a laptop, and I don't leave my hand on it, lol!)
It sure has gotten exhausting trying to get through each day without a calamity!
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