As I was surfing through random blogs over at Blogspot, I discovered one called "What Are You Doing With The Rest of Your Life".
Upon reading a few entries, I realized the author of that blog has terminal cancer. He recently started his journal at a friend's suggestion, to have a way to vent his feelings.
Here in J-land, I have followed journals of some cancer survivors... and one I can think of who did not survive; but she still had hope, even knowing her chances weren't the best. Hope means you can still plan a future.
This fellow has pancreatic cancer, which I believe is always fatal, and takes its victims rather rapidly. Cliff's dad died of pancreatic cancer.
Why would I read something so sad? I seldom leave comments there, because what can you say to a man with no future?
I can benefit from what he writes, though. For instance, here's something he had to say:
"How does one orient oneself, when there is no goal?
How does one know what to think or what to feel?
How does one know what to do or what to say?
feeling a little adrift; nothing remarkable planned, indeed no real
plans possible, in such a day to day existence in which I find myself.
suppose it comes part 'n' parcel with the terminal illness thing; one
is only expected to hold on, exist. While I've never been one for lofty
goals, it seems to me that I should be able to do better than merely
exist, yet that is where I find myself."
That got me thinking about how much I live in, and for, the future. Planning what bills to pay off, planning what toys we might buy when those bills are paid. Thinking what I'd do if something happened to Cliff, or what he'd do without me. Making plans for vacation next summer. You get the picture.
So what if I only had six months to live? What would I do?
If the weather were nice, I'd spend lots of time hanging out at my cabin, or riding my horse. But this time of year? What can you do in Missouri in January, when your time is limited (and of course, a person wouldn't be feeling the best, with cancer invading her body).
What I do now is read, surf the Internet, watch TV. But none of that is really living. It seems I waste a lot of time in winter just gritting my teeth and "getting by" till spring.
What would I do with the rest of my life?