Thursday, November 17, 2005

Who, me?

 An old and dear friend made a comment in e-mail that has troubled me.

"but you spend much much time on your journal saying how loving and forgiving you are in spite of how you are hurt by some.."

I think back to past entries, and I can't think of a single one where I presented myself as loving and forgiving.  Those who know me well know I'm a self-centered, spoiled brat.  I don't like it, but that's the way it is.

As far as forgiving, the best I can often do is just treat a person as though I've forgiven him, even though I still hold a grudge in my heart.  It isn't so much that I have problems with someone who hurts me, because I figure that's just kharma; what goes around, comes around.  But if you hurt someone I love, especially the kids, that's when I have to go through the motions and pretend I've forgiven you.  May God forgive me for having to pretend.

Loving?  Please, dear readers, have I portrayed myself this way?  Sure, I'm loving with my grandchildren and my dog and my horse (and of course my husband).  But I'm afraid love doesn't ooze out of my pores.  I've spent my life reminding myself that it isn't "all about me", and still forget it often.  I'm not "huggy" by nature. 

I write about my everyday life in my journal.  My children and my husband read this thing, for pete's sake, not to mention a cousin or two.  Why would I portray myself as something better than I am?  They all know me like a book. 

"... of how you are hurt by some."

What?  I'm trying to think of a single entry where I complained that I've been hurt.  I live the life of Riley here.

I recall the chorus of an old Hoyt Axton song:

"A rusty old halo, skinny white cloud,
Second hand wings full of patches,
A rusty old halo, skinny white cloud,
A robe that's so wooly that it scratches."

That's probably the best I'll get when I enter Heaven.

But I also remember a Bible verse that is very comforting:

"This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief."  I Timothy 1:15



starstarj said...

Strange entry is right.  I never get feeling you embrace everyone with love and kisses, in fact you have said you are not a social butterfly. Your just you and that is pretty special.

ryanagi said...

Hmm. Maybe they mean that entry you did about the friends you fell out with from your old christian chat...about how you miss them and I think you forgave them.

ksquester said...

You know Mosie, I think you are a fine person.....NO complaints from me. Besides, we may be the only two left in J-land.   Anne

amy122389 said...

pfft....  *I* like you just fine, and as we all IS all about me.  What?  It isn't?  Hmm...

In all seriousness....if I knew you in real life, I'd still choose you as my friend.... warts and all....  :)


fierrorachel said...

Damn, Mom....good entry.  'Nough said.

marainey1 said...

I'm not sure where the comment came from but I do know that a lot of Love shows in your writing.  Love of family, friends, nature and more important God. You have a zest for life and celebrating each day .  So lest you have any doubts - You ARE special!  'On Ya' - ma

ajoleblon said...

Thanks for visiting my journal and commenting.  I can tell from the first entry I've read that I will like you.  Down to earth and honest about yourself.  Two wonderful traits in my book!  Oh Lord!  That means another journal alert goes up for me.  Damn where will I find the time. LOL

plieck30 said...

Doesn't make any sense to me. Oh well glad you're still here. Paula

firestormkids04 said...

I personally like you just the way you are!  Never got that ouchy-feely thing in anything you've written, but I wouldn't change a thing.  Blessings, Penny

robinngabster said...

Hmmm....I am at a loss for words. I even had to scroll up to make sure I was reading an entry from YOUR journal.  This is one of those things to which I would say...don't swet the small stuff.  

csandhollow said...

Love oozes out of you. You just do not protray it in a touchy feely kind of way.

siennastarr said...

Mosie, you are compassionate and caring, you just don't get all mushy about it.  YOu are straight up, and that's what I like about you!  Amongst other things, of course! :)


tendernoggle said...

I'm with you Mosie...forgiving is something so hard for me to do if they have hurt someone I love....I often worry about it...really(lol)
You are very may not be the kissy touchie type but you still are loving....
either way, I think you are very nice.....and LOVING!
love ya,

whitedove3622 said...

Mo you are the most honest person I know. There are no hidden agendas for you. With you its what you see is what you get. I love it !!