An old and dear friend made a comment in e-mail that has troubled me.
"but you spend much much time on your journal saying how loving and forgiving you are in spite of how you are hurt by some.."
I think back to past entries, and I can't think of a single one where I presented myself as loving and forgiving. Those who know me well know I'm a self-centered, spoiled brat. I don't like it, but that's the way it is.
As far as forgiving, the best I can often do is just treat a person as though I've forgiven him, even though I still hold a grudge in my heart. It isn't so much that I have problems with someone who hurts me, because I figure that's just kharma; what goes around, comes around. But if you hurt someone I love, especially the kids, that's when I have to go through the motions and pretend I've forgiven you. May God forgive me for having to pretend.
Loving? Please, dear readers, have I portrayed myself this way? Sure, I'm loving with my grandchildren and my dog and my horse (and of course my husband). But I'm afraid love doesn't ooze out of my pores. I've spent my life reminding myself that it isn't "all about me", and still forget it often. I'm not "huggy" by nature.
I write about my everyday life in my journal. My children and my husband read this thing, for pete's sake, not to mention a cousin or two. Why would I portray myself as something better than I am? They all know me like a book.
"... of how you are hurt by some."
What? I'm trying to think of a single entry where I complained that I've been hurt. I live the life of Riley here.
I recall the chorus of an old Hoyt Axton song:
"A rusty old halo, skinny white cloud,
Second hand wings full of patches,
A rusty old halo, skinny white cloud,
A robe that's so wooly that it scratches."
That's probably the best I'll get when I enter Heaven.
But I also remember a Bible verse that is very comforting:
"This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief." I Timothy 1:15